#blessed

If you do a search of the tag #blessed on social media, you'll find pictures of large family gatherings, new-born babies, couples on holiday, large hauls of birthday presents artfully arranged to show off to the online world…

...you get the picture (literally).  
 
But what happens if you’re not in a position to receive any of these ‘blessings’? Or life just seems like one difficulty after the next?  You hardly ever see these sort of captions on posts:
 
My husband/ wife went off with someone else and now I live alone.
#blessed
I can never have children due to infertility.
#blessed
I’ve just been declared bankrupt and I’m going to be thrown out of my flat next week because I can’t pay the rent. 
#blessed
I’ve been pushed out of the church I’ve faithfully served in for years for coming out as gay. 
#blessed
I’ve been diagnosed with a long-term illness which has meant that I can no longer do the job I love anymore.
#blessed
 
One of my favourite bits of the Bible is Jesus’ ‘Sermon on the Mount’, a talk given up on a mountainside near the Sea of Galilee, as recorded in Matthews account of Jesus’ life.  There is much of it that I struggle to get my head around.  It is challenging yet comforting and simple yet paradoxical.  In a section commonly called the ‘Beatitudes’, he talks about those who are blessed in the Kingdom of God. 
 
"Blessed are the poor in spirit, 
    For theirs is the kingdom of heaven. 
Blessed are those who mourn, 
    For they shall be comforted. 
Blessed are the meek, 
    For they shall inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, 
    For they shall be filled. 
Blessed are the merciful, 
    For they shall obtain mercy. 
Blessed are the pure in heart, 
    For they shall see God. 
Blessed are the peacemakers, 
    For they shall be called sons of God. 
Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness' sake, 
    For theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
"Blessed are you when they revile and persecute you, and say all kinds of evil against you falsely for My sake.
 
You won’t find these things posted on social media either. 
 
Jesus’ version of those who are blessed is subversive and revolutionary.  Prior to this, people saw things such as financial success, the number of children in a family and victory over one’s enemies in battle as markers that God was with someone.  Lack of these therefore meant that God had turned his face from someone or that they were being punished by God for some sin or act of rebellion. Arguably, it’s still a very easy mindset to fall into.  
 
I’ve wrestled with this way of thinking in various seasons of my life.  Last year I went through a breakup of a long-term relationship, which left me deeply wounded and hurt.  On the same day, my grandma died.  All the while I was in the throes of job hunting with months of being unsuccessful.  Half a year later, my parents decided to separate.  All those things I saw on social media and all the things I heard my friends talk about which constituted ‘blessed’, I didn’t have.  I became angry towards God.  I felt hurt and neglected by him.  If he was a loving father, then why wasn’t giving me good gifts like the Bible told me he would.  Truth be told, there are still days when I feel and think these things.  There are days when I become anxious that I’ve unwittingly committed some terrible sin and God is withholding his blessing from me to teach me a lesson.  There are days when I sit in the bath and cry out to my four walls because I’m not sure that God even exists.  There are days when I serve at church when teaching about God is the last thing I want to be doing.
 
But I don't think God’s love for us can be measured in career success, or financial success, or how ‘Christian’ your marriage is, or even how well you preach on a Sunday morning.  God’s love for us is seen in the healing, in the picking up of our shattered lives, in the never-ending forgiveness when we mess up because we are hurting.  It’s in the tiny provisions when you’ve been crying out for a breakthrough, it’s in strength to go on when you are grieving, it’s in the hunger to see a better world in the face of abuse. 
 
I am slowly learning that the real blessings are found in the breaking.  
 
Jesus knew this when he was condemned to die a criminal’s death on the cross.  He knew it when his friends abandoned him when he needed them most.  He knew it when he was charged as guilty when he was really innocent.  He knew this when his hands were torn apart by blunt nails. He also knows it when his body is broken again and again every Sunday morning and is eaten by hurting and broken people.  
 
Reflecting on Communion over the past few months has been incredibly eye-opening for me. Often I turn up at the rail and kneel down on the rough, maroon carpet feeling so far from God.  Yet, I find real comfort in that his body had to be broken in order to bring new life.  It gives me hope that my wounds can also bring restoration to others. 
 
Precisely where I feel my poverty is where I discover God's blessing.
-Henri Nouwen